How well would you say that you love? Kind of? Pretty good? No problem in that area!? What about this question: how well do you let yourself be loved? Perhaps this is a question that you have not considered before. Chances are, your consideration of this is concept is a bit foreign and maybe it even sounds a little silly. Let me tell you a story:
Our wonderful Li’l Joe, the Palomino pony that you saw splashed about the webpage on your way here, was just shy of four years old when I went to get him from the Phoenix area. He was being cared for by a couple of wonderful young girls who simply did not have the means to keep him. This hot, dry oasis was the first reprieve that his young life had yet experienced.
Ponies are bred for more than a little girl’s best friend and occasional pretend unicorn (although, that is a pretty solid reason all by itself!). Ponies are often used for sports like driving small carts in competition. Many factors in competition are considered for placing. They consider the receptiveness of the pony to accept commands from the driver and the actual confirmation of the horse. As with any competitive equestrian sport, a good prospect is kept and nurtured while a dud is “rehomed” or auctioned. Our sweet Li’l Joe was a dud—his rear legs are just funky enough to make him so. His knees come together and his hooves point out. This condition is referred to as being “cow hocked” and it is surely not what a pony breeder wants to have if he intends to win any prizes at the next competition. Picking up a sad story that rests with hundreds of ponies every month of the year, Joe was sent to auction.
A three-year-old pony with no training and bad confirmation is at high risk for being purchased by what are called “kill buyers” in the horse broker world. Kill buyers are attendees at most large auctions, and some of the smaller ones along their route, seeking to buy up any horses and ponies that they can turn for a profit across the borders of Canada and Mexico in the meat markets. Although the equine market can be quite hit-or-miss, it is common to see young horses and ponies without pedigree, training and/or good confirmation be picked up for slaughter and that is precisely the fate that our Li’l Joe was facing.
Praise God that these two young Phoenix girls could not bear to watch this pony go to such an end! Stay with me as I have come to understand that God has had his hand on this little pony’s life for this very teaching that I can now share with you. But first, let me share with you the conditions of the transport for horses bound for slaughter to provide some understanding of why our little pony acted the way that he did.
Once a horse is selected for slaughter, he becomes a debt which is something that the buyer needs to efficiently turn for profit—this means quantity over quality, limited additional “investment” into the animal, and fast turn-around. This translates to packed trailers, limited food and water and high pressure “get in and get out” loading and off-loading conditions. Horses are commonly concerned about stepping into an enclosed area like a trailer, so the use of force is used to inspire motivation in the animal to think fast and just move in the right direction. Sources like ASPCA report broken legs and deaths in the transport process as being expected once the animals are sold at the border and are no longer protected by the transport laws of the USA.
Knowing that this was a likely history for him, I structured Joe’s early rehabilitation process in a round pen by himself and began to work with him on trust. What I discovered was heavy on my heart—as I began to teach him what “asking” looked like, I started to gently move him into a circle, stop him, turn him and move him the other way. Joe would occasionally turn into the fence and as I asked him to keep moving and he would panic and duck his hips under as if waiting for a blow from me. Every muscle was tense as he was actively deliberating on whether he should go to the right or to the left with a clear, desperate desire to do the “right thing”. That “right thing” being the thing that I want him to do but he does not understand.
Somewhere outside of this pony’s perception, I was flowing with compassion for him and eager for him to reach the beginning of seeing that I love him and wanted to help him. I knew this, the people around me knew this, but Joe put his face into the panels, tucked his hips and shook all over. In one of these heartbreaking moments the Lord said to me: “This is how it is with you.” As I meditated on this over the following weeks, He began to reveal exactly what He meant by that. The world that Joe was born into was stressful, scary, pressure-filled and quite honestly abusive. All that he knew of humanity for the better part of his three years was that people are full of wrath and while he wanted to do the right thing, he was always wrong and paid a heavy price for it. If horses could talk and someone would have told him at any point that humans adore him, he would never believe it because his perception was dominated by what he experienced.
Some people can identify with this little pony in a monumental way without me drawing the comparison to their own life. We are born and raised in a fallen world which is driven by some things that hurt us in a really profound way. For some, that is an understatement. We experience betrayal, abuse, lovelessness and abandonment and these experiences seem to be more evident to us than the evidence of God’s love because we are bombarded with it. Because of this, when God breaks through, longing to show His love and admiration of us as His beloved children, we tend to stand at the fence ducking and anxious waiting for the condemnation that thus far we have been accustomed to.
Let the lesson through Joe inspire you: you are adored and God will never leave you nor forsake you.
The scripture says that you are wonderfully and fearfully made and knit together in your mother’s womb by the hand of God who adores you (Psalm 139). He twirls over you with joy and longs for you to reach out to Him and He gave His son to bear the burden of the “fallen-ness” of this world, which was brought upon us by our own doing, just so that He can have a relationship with you. He does not want to condemn you any more than I want to hit or hurt my pony who has already been through so much. Rather, God sees you in the moments where you are slid down in the corner of your room, broken and painful. He cries too and as He reaches out, we are more fearful of that which we do not understand.
Watching Joe expect the worst from someone who adores Him made me think: “How much more does God long to comfort us while we resist unknowingly?” Joe was not intentionally resisting being loved, he just did not understand what that looks like. Walls are difficult to detect from the one who is protected by them, especially if it is all that we have ever known. We must first start to trust, then scale the walls by understanding the nature of what is on the other side trying to get to us.
Receiving a change of any kind requires a spark of trust. To scale the walls, we have to trust that what is on the other side is worth it. I had to work with Joe to get him to begin to be receptive to me and I simply did that by being persistent. Once I had that, I was able to begin to show him who I am and then a relationship grew and healing happened. It is not so different with God. He is always moving toward you, persistently and relentlessly. Trust that His Word is true and that He wants to swallow you up in His love and heal you. Then, just start learning who He is through reading His Word. The more you learn, the more you trust and the more you heal.
Perhaps your story is too painful to think about. Maybe you feel like no one has ever, or can ever, love you. That is most certainly how Li’l Joe and many of the horses out here felt. Know this: as much as little girls adore ponies, no matter what the animal has been through or how they feel about it, God loves YOU infinitely more and He is right on the other side of that wall waiting to hold you, never to condemn you. If you are not sure how to see beyond the wall, simply ask Him to help you and He promised us that if you seek, then you shall find (Matthew 7:7).
You. Are. Loved.
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